Bloopers

Are you in possession of the worst manual in the world? Is it unintelligible, full of errers, superfluously verbose (i.e. uses big words when little ones would do), patronizing or just plain misleading? Are the diagrams laughable? Did I write it? If not, please tell me about it.

Let's name names.






Thanks to SR for this clear explanation of the distinction, in Chinese Law, between trademark and trade name. It's taken from an article by the China National Working Group for IPR Protection.

In China, trademark is under the protection of Trademark Law, while trade name is under the provisions on protecting name rights of enterprises as legal persons in General Principles of the Civil Law... It is allowed by Trademark Law, Company Law and Regulations for Controlling the Registration of Enterprises as Legal Persons that the enterprise registers its trade name as its trademark, or vice versa, that is, trademark and trade name may be actually the same or part of the other.

Err, right. Well that's cleared that one up.


Thanks to EW for this medical advice from a material safety data sheet.

When swallowed, allow water to be drunk. Make the victim vomit only if he is fully conscious. SUMMON A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY.

Sounds like nasty stuff. Does anyone know how to make someone vomit if they're not conscious?


Most emails these days are accompanied by some sort of warning or disclaimer. Huge amounts of Internet bandwidth are clogged up with this legal spam. Here's one that manages to avoid using the word "email":

The information and any attachments (herein referred to as 'document') transmitted is intended only for the person or entity to which it is addressed. It may contain confidential and/or privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient of this document, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution, copying, other use of, or taking any action in reliance upon this document by persons or entities other than the intended recipient is illegal and prohibited. If you have received this in error, please immediately notify the sender, permanently delete the original from any computer and/or system, and destroy any printout of the 'document'. We thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

Anyone got a worse one?


Here's a press release with equal lashings of hyperbole and mangled language.

Its been a long time since Evesham were building review winning SLI systems but six years later and SLi is reborn this time an offering from Nvidia, though one thing you can depend on that has not changed is the fact that Evesham are still building award winning systems.
Today Evesham Technology unveils the “SLICK” series its new Power Gaming range of “SLI “systems for the hungry enthusiasts they who command the very best and where frames per second are King, the systems are lovingly built into the stylish Aluminum chassis that has been so popular in the Decimator range.
Slick 68GT4000 At the heart of this system beats the raw power of an AMD 4000+ Cpu powered by 2 Nvidia Geforce 6 6800 GT PCI express graphics cards the huge Maxtor 300GB hard drives gives plenty of room for the latest big downloads and DVD applications all controlled by the Microsoft Windows XP home operating system finally the ASUS A8N-SLI motherboard wraps this recipe of cutting edge technology up.

I just love that final phrase!!


Thanks to RS for this warning. I often wondered why they did it so much.

Only System Administrators are allowed to grope users.


Thanks to AC for these gaffs from a VCR maintenance manual. First of all, this would be a surprise for the 'odd' VCR delivery man:

Adjust the head with the tool of the eccentric driver.

This is a blank page - pull out and destroy

OK.., but why put it in there in the first place?

In the environmental recommendations for the VCR was the following limit:

90% humidity (no sweating)

(Well, it would be a surprise to see a perspiring VCR, wouldn't it? Perhaps they mean 'non-condensing'?)


Thanks to MG for this excerpt from a document that was devised to "set the standard format of format documents":

The Format documents themselves comprise a document type, and as such they have a unique design (or format) that is common to all members of the type. Therefore, all Format documents are the target document of the current format document and represent the format of the format documents.


Thanks to Serge for these UI descriptions that didn't quite work out as intended (we assume):

Enter start date of course.

This will reduce the displayed students by the given from-to criteria.


Thanks to MS for this headache-inducing explanation which, as he says, is "technically correct, but the whole problem stems from strictly adhering to a style while documenting bad interface design"

Note: Only network sites that have the Network Site Enabled field enabled and the Open Access Network Enabled field disabled on the Network Site Parameters Screen appear on this screen.


TC has nominated Hsiang Cheng's 'Operation Manual of 6000' (Revision 2.1!) as the worst manual of all time for:

• The sheer lack of information on actually using the piece of equipment (no 'operation' instructions anywhere)
• Appalling translation
• Schematics using unconventional and non-standard symbols

Here's an excerpt:

Memory for all setup and energy data.

All of the meter status setting and energy data are retain in memory while was lost power. Power meter 6000 records includes the watt-hour that been measured, the record of maximum demand value, date and time, PT and CT ratio, the measured system configuration, displaying setting, and communication related.


Here's an example of an engineer struggling to escape programming speak (but obviously proud of his special variable) :

If the user presses the OK button and the file text field is not empty or if a user double-clicks on a value in the files list then the special variable %TEXTOK is set to the selected value else it is set to null.


In an Asian product manual translated to English, JL informs me that blank even-numbered pages read:

This page left intentionally blank and, yes, you guessed it, blank odd-numbered pages read: This page right intentionally blank


Some technical writers offer useful advice about the curtains:

Bright sunlight can cause reflections; you could use Venetian blinds to stop direct sunlight coming in but still let you see out of the window.


Thanks to Penny for the worst translation of anything ever. If anyone can work out what this means please let me know:

Your home sweet fossed about on the green grass.


Modem manuals are shining beacons of clarity and readability, for example:

Interconnection directly, or by way of other apparatus, of ports marked Safety warning. See instructions for use with ports marked or not so marked may produce hazardous conditions on the network.
Thanks to AH for pointing out that this can be found in most UK modem manuals because it's statutory goobledegook required by the BABT.


Thanks to PG for this wonderful translation:

When the Service LED looks like very gloomy that means this device can't be powered off its signals, an external DC 9V 100mA adaptor can help much for this situation and extend its drive distance.


And here's one I found:

5. Fixed the both Bed Plates with thrusting into the reserve holes.


Some authors haven't heard of bullet points or full-stops:

Turn on the main on/off switch (if your power supply's main on/off wire lead is black and white color, which means the power supply on/off control is design by using the DC current, please refer to Sec. 1.8 for installing guide), and the individual power supply's on/off switches (on the rear side), you will notice that if the power unit is operating properly, then individual LEDs, external warning LEDs (Please refer to Sec. 1.9 for detail explanation) are lit GREEN, now turn off one of the power supplies' on/off switch, the Warning Buzzer in the power system will sound, and the external LED which displays the status of the total power supply system will change color to be RED (Please note not every model has this design, some of these models LED has flashing design), the individual LEDs (both on the rear side or on the front control panel) indicating the power supply's status will not light.


Mr Blobby seems to have turned to technical writing:

Mount the Fixed Rack into the Flobby Drive Slot...


Here is a veritable which's coven:

The Processing Page allows you to define parameters which will determine the trace(s) which will be used to select the spectra which will be examined for the presence or absence of expected masses.

Thanks to DMcC for this fine example of stating the bleedin' obvious. AKG obviously thinks that its right-handed customers are complete dummies.

Have you got a worse example? Please tell me about it.