Yes? What do you want?

Come in, come in. Don't just hang around on the front doorstep. What's that? I can't hear you? You're mumbling. You don't know why you're here or what you are looking for?

Here are some links to the more interesting bits:

There are some more links over there on the right.
Still nothing of interest? Try hitting that Back button...

Bye!

Frequently asked questions

I get a lot of enquiries from fledgling TAs; here are some of the FAQs...
How did you get started?
I got started by doing a mail shot of my local companies (within an hour's drive). I also used to scour computer magazines for hardware and software reviews; if someone got panned for their documentation, I'd write to them enclosing a photocopy of their bad review! Mind you, that approach didn't work too well...
My personal contacts have got me several decent jobs over the years but, nowadays, I get all my new clients through my website.

How does a technical author work?
There are three types of technical author: full-time employees, serial contractors (nomads moving from one contract to the next, generally working on site) and freelancers. I've never been a full-timer but I've known a few and I wouldn't recommend it. When hard times arrive, the TA is the first out of the door - so not a lot of security there. In my early days, I worked on a few long-term contracts and hated the experience. The money was good but there was all the office politics to deal with and the worry of what to do when the contract ended. Anyway, I engineered a freelance role for myself; I wanted to be my own boss and be able to tell a client to stuff it if there was any nonsense.
How do you find work?
I pay Google about a fiver a month to make sure I'm near the top of the list for certain keyword searches - that's probably how you found me. I'd definitely recommend getting a website and setting up a Google Adwords campaign.
I've tended to have just a few companies on the books at any one time and don't often have the need or inclination to take on new ones.
Where do you work?
I work from home and mostly at home. I've got several clients that I have never met. They send me their products and I document them. To be honest, I very rarely get out of the house now. It's quite an adventure to go and visit a client!
What software do you use?
I do most user documentation in Word. It's not wonderful for large documents, and can cause plenty of headaches, but it's what most clients want you to use. For mighty, highly technical and immensely boring tomes, such as specification documents, Framemaker is the industry standard.
You need to be able to produce a PDF from your source document since most manuals are served from websites rather than as a printed work. Printers often prefer a document to be supplied as a PDF. There are a huge number of utilities that can do this, particularly from Word documents. For Help systems, Robohelp is the preferred compiler.
You'll need something to do graphics; I use CorelDraw. There are cheaper (and more expensive) graphics suites on the market; it just depends how much you need to do. If you only ever generate screenshots then Paint in Windows is good enough.
Do you need special qualifications to be a technical author?
I did the City and Guilds qualification in technical communication. At the time, I saw it as more of a statement of intent rather than a learning experience. It was hopelessly out-of-date (in fact, my first paid TA job was to rewrite some of my correspondence course material). Mind you, it made me realise that my English wasn't as gooder as I thought it was...
If I was starting out anew, I probably wouldn't bother with it. Nobody has ever asked me about my technical writing credentials - clients are normally just relieved that someone is willing to do the work. As with most things, it's experience that's important. Some knowledge of the subject matter, and enough expertise with software packages (especially, unfortunately, MSWord) to be able to craft a document. If you know how to use document styles, templates, bookmarks, fields and index entries then you're streets ahead of the rest of the business community, and well worth a bit of contract work.
Where can I find more information?
Have a look at the Institute of Scientific and Technical Communicators website. I've never been one for belonging to professional bodies (I'm not a member), but it will have lots of interesting info for you. There's also a portal for freelance authors at www.qualityauthors.co.uk.
Are there any agencies for technical authors?
Agencies come and go so this list may go out-of-date very quickly:

Documentation People
PO Box 1099, Woking, Surrey, GU24 9WU
Tel 0870 241 6269 Fax 01276 485768

TAC Europe
Matrix House, Basing View, Basingstoke, Hampshire, RG21 4HG
Tel 08700 600 822 Fax 01256 356371

Plain Words
Plain Words House 1 Curridge Green, Curridge, Newbury RG18 9EA
Tel: 01635 202013

3di Information Services Ltd
High Street, Ripley, Woking, Surrey GU23 6AF
Tel 01483 211533 Fax 01483 479635

A cautionary tale

Once upon a time, there was a company called Solid State Logic (SSL). It made mixing desks for recording studios. Occasionally, it employed a technical illustrator to help out with the documentation. Business was good for SSL, but not good enough. It lived beyond its means, paid its directors too much, employed too many people. Soon it didn't have any money to pay its bills, not even those of the faithful and foolishly trusting technical illustrator.

An astute business-type had thought up a wizard-wheeze that would solve SSL's problems - you can call it what you will: financial and operational restructuring, recovery and reorganisation, distress management; whatever. It just means you can wave goodbye to those nasty old bills and carry on regardless.

Our trusting technical illustrator had invoiced SSL for a piece of work on 10th December 2004. The bill wasn't paid; frequent reminders were met with calm reassurance. Finally, exasperated, the technical illustrator began court action against SSL on the 8th June 2005.

It was too late. A week later, on the 15th June, SSL sold their assets and business (the factories, offices, equipment - all the bits worth anything) to another company. With nothing left but debts and the technical illustrator's unpaid invoice, it changed its name to Oxford Consoles Ltd and went into receivership.

The new company decided to continue trading under the name Solid State Logic; the same employees making mixing desk consoles in the same factories on the same site. You wouldn't know anything had happened.

So, a few lessons for all you freelancers, contractors and suppliers out there: nail down your terms and conditions: 30 days is long enough for anyone to pay a bill; get those court proceedings under way nice and early. Above all, don't work for any of the cheating, thieving, lying, slimeballs at Solid State Logic!


Slight modification of SSL's 2006 Xmas ecard.

Terms and conditions

It's very simple. There's no need for all that legal stuff. It's called 'trust'.

I'll do your documentation on time, on budget and to the very highest of standards. Your confidentiality is assured.

To help me achieve your goals, I expect information, answers to my questions and prompt review of draft documents. I also expect you to pay my bills on time. I'll begrudgingly allow you 30 days but you wouldn't like it if I supplied your documentation 30 days late, would you?

And just to prove that I can do the legal guff as well, I reserve the right to charge interest on any bill remaining unpaid beyond the 30 days (Late Payment of Commercial Debts [Interest] Act 1998 as amended and supplemented by the Late Payment of Commercial Debts Regulations 2002).

Me, me, me, it's all about me...

I was born in Wigan but spent most of my childhood in Rhyl where my parents owned a large seaside hotel. With this background, I developed a pathological hatred of suitcases and 'doing the dishes'. I went to Manchester University and took a degree in Chemical Physics because it didn't involve heavy lifting or washing anything. Three years of study prepared me ideally for.., another three years of study, this time in Hull (see my CV for full educational details). I forged on into a decade of R&D, specializing in obscure areas of industrial chemistry and becoming a world expert in the use of an analytical method that nobody else used. More importantly, I also purchased lots of expensive equipment with lousy manuals.

When BP (my employer for 7 years) hit hard times, I was the first person in my division to apply for voluntary redundancy, 2 minutes and 27 seconds after the program was announced. This gave me the opportunity and finances to travel the World for a year with my partner, Annie. Prior to departure, I did a spot of consultancy in California and also collected new qualifications in technical communication.

Fourteen years on, I am now probably the only freelance technical author managed by a full-time HR professional. Our success is demonstrated by increases in headcount in 1995 (Melissa), 1997 (Stan) and 1999 (Sally).

Junior personnel (Left to Right - Melissa Janet [Graphics], Sally Elsie [Sales], Stanley William [Engineering]).
Mission Control - now, which mouse shall I use next?

My interests, apart from working very, very, hard for my clients, are:
  • Running uphill through mud, preferably into a stiff headwind
  • Walking, when the mud and wind make running too difficult
  • Cycling (mud optional)
  • Quaffing real ale (in sensible, socially acceptable levels of course)
  • Painting and drawing
  • Making sandwiches
  • Hanging around swimming pools
  • Pretending I like gardening
I hope you've enjoyed looking around my cyber-hoarding. If any of my services are of interest, or if you just fancy a chat, drop me an email.

Happy surfing!

Bloopers

junky graphicAre you in possession of the worst manual in the world? Is it unintelligible, full of errers, superfluously verbose (i.e. uses big words when little ones would do), patronizing or just plain misleading? Are the diagrams laughable? Did I write it? If not, please tell me about it.

Let's name names.



apology


Thanks to SR for this clear explanation of the distinction, in Chinese Law, between trademark and trade name. It's taken from an article by the China National Working Group for IPR Protection.

In China, trademark is under the protection of Trademark Law, while trade name is under the provisions on protecting name rights of enterprises as legal persons in General Principles of the Civil Law... It is allowed by Trademark Law, Company Law and Regulations for Controlling the Registration of Enterprises as Legal Persons that the enterprise registers its trade name as its trademark, or vice versa, that is, trademark and trade name may be actually the same or part of the other.

Err, right. Well that's cleared that one up.


Thanks to EW for this medical advice from a material safety data sheet.

When swallowed, allow water to be drunk. Make the victim vomit only if he is fully conscious. SUMMON A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY.

Sounds like nasty stuff. Does anyone know how to make someone vomit if they're not conscious?


Most emails these days are accompanied by some sort of warning or disclaimer. Huge amounts of Internet bandwidth are clogged up with this legal spam. Here's one that manages to avoid using the word "email":

The information and any attachments (herein referred to as 'document') transmitted is intended only for the person or entity to which it is addressed. It may contain confidential and/or privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient of this document, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution, copying, other use of, or taking any action in reliance upon this document by persons or entities other than the intended recipient is illegal and prohibited. If you have received this in error, please immediately notify the sender, permanently delete the original from any computer and/or system, and destroy any printout of the 'document'. We thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

Anyone got a worse one?


Here's a press release with equal lashings of hyperbole and mangled language.

Its been a long time since Evesham were building review winning SLI systems but six years later and SLi is reborn this time an offering from Nvidia, though one thing you can depend on that has not changed is the fact that Evesham are still building award winning systems.
Today Evesham Technology unveils the “SLICK” series its new Power Gaming range of “SLI “systems for the hungry enthusiasts they who command the very best and where frames per second are King, the systems are lovingly built into the stylish Aluminum chassis that has been so popular in the Decimator range.
Slick 68GT4000 At the heart of this system beats the raw power of an AMD 4000+ Cpu powered by 2 Nvidia Geforce 6 6800 GT PCI express graphics cards the huge Maxtor 300GB hard drives gives plenty of room for the latest big downloads and DVD applications all controlled by the Microsoft Windows XP home operating system finally the ASUS A8N-SLI motherboard wraps this recipe of cutting edge technology up.

I just love that final phrase!!


Thanks to RS for this warning. I often wondered why they did it so much.

Only System Administrators are allowed to grope users.


Thanks to AC for these gaffs from a VCR maintenance manual. First of all, this would be a surprise for the 'odd' VCR delivery man:

Adjust the head with the tool of the eccentric driver.

This is a blank page - pull out and destroy

OK.., but why put it in there in the first place?

In the environmental recommendations for the VCR was the following limit:

90% humidity (no sweating)

(Well, it would be a surprise to see a perspiring VCR, wouldn't it? Perhaps they mean 'non-condensing'?)


Thanks to MG for this excerpt from a document that was devised to "set the standard format of format documents":

The Format documents themselves comprise a document type, and as such they have a unique design (or format) that is common to all members of the type. Therefore, all Format documents are the target document of the current format document and represent the format of the format documents.


Thanks to Serge for these UI descriptions that didn't quite work out as intended (we assume):

Enter start date of course.

This will reduce the displayed students by the given from-to criteria.


Thanks to MS for this headache-inducing explanation which, as he says, is "technically correct, but the whole problem stems from strictly adhering to a style while documenting bad interface design"

Note: Only network sites that have the Network Site Enabled field enabled and the Open Access Network Enabled field disabled on the Network Site Parameters Screen appear on this screen.


TC has nominated Hsiang Cheng's 'Operation Manual of 6000' (Revision 2.1!) as the worst manual of all time for:

  • The sheer lack of information on actually using the piece of equipment (no 'operation' instructions anywhere)
  • Appalling translation
  • Schematics using unconventional and non-standard symbols
Here's an excerpt:

Memory for all setup and energy data.

All of the meter status setting and energy data are retain in memory while was lost power. Power meter 6000 records includes the watt-hour that been measured, the record of maximum demand value, date and time, PT and CT ratio, the measured system configuration, displaying setting, and communication related.


Here's an example of an engineer struggling to escape programming speak (but obviously proud of his special variable) :

If the user presses the OK button and the file text field is not empty or if a user double-clicks on a value in the files list then the special variable %TEXTOK is set to the selected value else it is set to null.


In an Asian product manual translated to English, JL informs me that blank even-numbered pages read:

This page left intentionally blank and, yes, you guessed it, blank odd-numbered pages read: This page right intentionally blank


Some technical writers offer useful advice about the curtains:

Bright sunlight can cause reflections; you could use Venetian blinds to stop direct sunlight coming in but still let you see out of the window.


Thanks to Penny for the worst translation of anything ever. If anyone can work out what this means please let me know:

Your home sweet fossed about on the green grass.


Modem manuals are shining beacons of clarity and readability, for example:

Interconnection directly, or by way of other apparatus, of ports marked Safety warning. See instructions for use with ports marked or not so marked may produce hazardous conditions on the network.
Thanks to AH for pointing out that this can be found in most UK modem manuals because it's statutory goobledegook required by the BABT.


Thanks to PG for this wonderful translation:

When the Service LED looks like very gloomy that means this device can't be powered off its signals, an external DC 9V 100mA adaptor can help much for this situation and extend its drive distance.


And here's one I found:

5. Fixed the both Bed Plates with thrusting into the reserve holes.


Some authors haven't heard of bullet points or full-stops:

Turn on the main on/off switch (if your power supply's main on/off wire lead is black and white color, which means the power supply on/off control is design by using the DC current, please refer to Sec. 1.8 for installing guide), and the individual power supply's on/off switches (on the rear side), you will notice that if the power unit is operating properly, then individual LEDs, external warning LEDs (Please refer to Sec. 1.9 for detail explanation) are lit GREEN, now turn off one of the power supplies' on/off switch, the Warning Buzzer in the power system will sound, and the external LED which displays the status of the total power supply system will change color to be RED (Please note not every model has this design, some of these models LED has flashing design), the individual LEDs (both on the rear side or on the front control panel) indicating the power supply's status will not light.


Mr Blobby seems to have turned to technical writing:

Mount the Fixed Rack into the Flobby Drive Slot...


Here is a veritable which's coven:

The Processing Page allows you to define parameters which will determine the trace(s) which will be used to select the spectra which will be examined for the presence or absence of expected masses.


Thanks to DMcC for this fine example of stating the bleedin' obvious. AKG obviously thinks that its right-handed customers are complete dummies.




Have you got a worse example? Please tell me about it.